STRUGGLING it’s ok. ME TOO 🙋🏻‍♀️

To the struggling girl, to the woman trying to figure out if she is right or wrong.

To the woman trying to figure out who she is. If what she is doing is for her or them.  

I see you, I get it. I too struggle.

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To the girl that noticed her pretty red manicure while sitting next to her, don’t worry I too didn’t polish my nails.

To the girl that noticed she must be wearing the new Dior mascara, I too look as if I have no lashes.

To the girl trying to pick out her outfit every morning. I too slid high heels on this morning and then as I glanced in the mirror I thought to myself…”no, too racey”, then slid them back off, grabbed my flats and out the door.

Let me take a minute and step back into time…

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It’s 2007 and I am just leaving the tanning salon while right before getting a fresh touch up on my highlights. I’m headed home to get ready for the night, as I’ve been surprised by all my closest friends and family members for a night out on the town for my birthday.

We start the evening off at a nice restaurant then head out to a fancy club, then that one is closing now because well it’s 2am and then I find us headed to an after mass.

I was completely exhausted and actually ended up running a fever. I think this ended up being the beginning of what would be the end. The end you may ask? The end of that life.

Where am I going with this? 

I slowly found myself bored  and exhausted. Who was I doing this for. It wasn’t me. I loved and enjoyed life just not in this way. It was adding anything to my life, if anything it was taking. 

The conversations with others in that surrounding became stale. I found myself completely unimpressed.  

It took many years and a slow growing process for me to figure out what I liked and who I like looking in the mirror at.  

I was perfectly content with my pale skin, dark hair and it felt good not wearing all that make up all the time.

I spent my late teen and early 20’s buying way too much make up, spending way too much time in the sun and tanning beds and I do not even want to think about how much my hair cost me all those years trying to be the perfect shade of blonde.

While entering into my 30’s felt like recovery. Like when you have surgery and they send you to recover. I now had to recover from all the damage I caused to my body. I would never recover the waisted money.

I lost a few on the way. Friends and loved ones. Our interests just weren’t the same anymore. 

Was I a hypocrite? No! I just grew and learned what I really loved and most importantly learned to love myself. 

What I learned in all that was, no matter how much make up you have on, no matter how tan you are or how blonde or brunette you are….if you do not love yourself you will attract just that.

Now of course we all want to look good and feel good but at what cost and at what expense and to whom are we trying to impress. 

In the end if you are trying to gain the company of others through all this, you will find yourself very alone or close to feeling alone. 

You want to attract the one that is ok with you with no make up. That doesn’t mean you don’t wear make up for them. It just means that you won’t have to ever feel insecure without it in front of them. The one that adores your crazy hair when you didn’t have time to blow dry it out or curl it perfectly. The one that loves the pale shade of your skin just as much as the freckles.

If you keep comparing yourself to all those Instagram women you lose every time and if you are with anyone who’s trying to compare you to them; say good bye. That is not real and that is not going to stay. You will never please that. They want a fairytale and you my beautiful are real.

So the next time you glance over at that pretty manicure or that fresh new shade of lipstick remember your beauty doesn’t wash away. It’s real. It’s permanent. That is what you want to attract; REAL PERMANENT LOVE 💞